Celebrating Eid, love and life…

Raya was a quiet affair for me di perantauan this year, I woke up staring at the ceiling then gazing out my window for the longest time. I was greeted by utter silence, no familiar sound, sight or smell that Friday morning. I wiggled my toes and realised how weird it was, not waking up to the usual banter of my sisters, the oh so yummy smell of Mummy's cooking wafting through the air, the smile on my brothers face and the bemused look on Daddy's face whilst watching all the usual pagi raya on goings in his own little shop of horrors, so to speak.

I scurried downstairs after a quick shower and sat in front of the tv before going to work, munching away on the raya jam tart Mummy had sent me from home. I don't know whether it was the tart or the silence that made me realise the gratitude I felt for this bit of quiet time to myself, however selfish that may seem.

That Eid morning allowed me to respice, adspice, prospice and after some silent deliberation, I have to admit that I am content at this juncture of my life, maybe I drag my feet and bearly trudge along at times but I'm standing here facing and loving life as it is. These past few years have been particularly hard as I have fallen over numerous times but fortunately, I have learnt to adjust my clumsy dance moves to the many tunes of life. It is not all in vain though as I have a new found determination and continue smiling at life as the chubby hippy-optmist that I am.

My thoughts brought me back to my younger years and I sighed as I remembered how easy life was. Waking up on pagi raya and showing off my new clothes to cousins di kampung, as kids usually do. Shaking hands and asking for forgiveness, at most times for selfish reasons as this ritual would merit a child receiving money packets from older relatives. It meant I could buy something that my heart desired but could not afford, but as I look back I realise how selfish I had become during those years. Eid was supposed to be in celebration of a month of fasting, a month of remembering those less fortunate, to remember what God had and continues to give us and there I was looking forward to an Eid that would bring me moolah!

Many Eid celebrations have passed and I have to say many experiences have been accumulated to make up my life. I do realise that the meaning of Eid has changed for me as I have grown older. I tend to reflect on life during Eid and sum up what I have become, what I have and have not achieved, reevaluate the things I cherish and formulate my resolutions for the next year. It has become a time for me to summarise my life, myself as a person and what I aspire to be.

I was jerked out of my thoughts at the sound of a car honking away. I realised that it was my ride to work. In the car, my thoughts pause on that first moment I arrived here in cold dreary England, I was heartbroken, my spirit was broken, I saw no future and worst of all, I did not see the present. I had lost my way, lost my thoughts, lost my will, lost myself and the thing I regret most, is that I nearly lost those closest to my heart.

I was truly selfish. I did not look around and count my blessings. I did not look at the people I must have hurt. I did not consider how much pain I caused them due to my selfishness. I never looked beyond my own wants and needs. I detest that phase in my life, not because I regret it, but because it shows my flaw in character and also how unappreciative I was of the love that was given to me by my dear ones, despite my shortcomings and my pure selfishness.

The journey to work seemed longer to me that morning as I peered outside at the falling leaves. My colleague was nice enough to have left me to my own thoughts or maybe it was because I had my eyebrows furrowed and was not my usual chirpy loud self. An image of my late grandmamma, or mak as I fondly called her, came to mind. It was the Eid before she left us, we were in her room, and it was one of those rare moments in which it was only the both of us. Young cousins were running amok outside, all the ladies were in the kitchen, literally cooking up a storm and the men were having their usual round of afternoon coffee. We were on her bed and I was playfully counting her gold bracelets on her left wrist. She asked me her usual ‘When are you going to get married’ question and at that time, despite my being in a serious relationship, I told her that I was still not sure but that she must definitely attend to see her favourite granddaughter being married off to, in my words, one very lucky fella.

I remember her answer clearly, she told me that she would always pray that I would meet someone who is worthy of my love, that I would find happiness and that I would live with hope and belief that would never diminish. She told me hope and belief go hand in hand like a kiss and a hug, that you always have to hope for the best and in turn believe with your whole heart that what you hope for will come true. She also said with a solemn smile, that I should always listen to my heart, cos more often than not, it speaks the truth. She finished off by saying that in order to keep a sensible head I should always always count my blessings, to never compare what little I may seem to have to others who may seem to have much more.

Her words reverberate constantly in my mind and I can still remember how I cried when she finished that final sentence. I remember her hair sprawled all over the pillow, her smile that proudly showed a missing tooth or two and the hint of a tear in her eyes when she said it. It was with such tenderness and love for a person who was not exactly the best of granddaughters.

As I summarised my life of 28 years, that colourful yet very chilly Eid morning, I realised the weight of truth in her words. My serious relationship ended the following year, but I found out that love is not only restricted to the foolish notion of the love for your other half. It also comprises the love that you have for your family, the love you have for your friends and the love that you should also have for yourself. One should love void of any expectation, to fully love without hesitation and to continue to love without outside trepidation.

At this moment in time, I am in love with life. I am in love with my family and I am in love with my friends. This love I feel, enables me to sigh contentedly and has also given me stability and hope. Hope is what made me change my ways, it was hope for love, hope for a better future and hope for happiness that helped me and carried me through the many difficult moments of my life. With the hope that I had, my belief carried my wishes through, so that they didn’t just remain as mere hope but became a reality.

Mak, thank you, it was your words that played a big role in giving me that final extra nudge to come here to chilly London.

Many people told me not to leave sunny Malaysia. Many told me that my decision was rash and unwise. Many told me that I should not listen to my heart. Save for the select few, you know who you are, thank you.

I realise now that this is the best decision of my life. I am glad that I followed this quirky little heart and I am glad that I had held close the hope and belief that things would change for the better.

I remember hitting the play button for a raya song when I sat down at my computer, and I remember that I started humming to myself while I listed the things I am grateful for.

I am blessed with love from a family who has never neglected me, love from friends that have never judged me, a job and experience that did not come easily and the renewed and constant hope and belief that a new and better future lies ahead of me.

Yes mak, I will always count my blessings, not look the other way and moan about what that I do not have.

This Eid has made me conclude that I am not the best of human beings, but I know that my blessings are in abundance. I lost many battles and have the scars to prove them, but I know that these battles will only help me in the future. I am armed with love, hope and belief to help me through many more Eid celebrations to come, Insya Allah.

But till next Eid, it is time to keep my old memories and make new ones. I am content with my life, I am.

You are always in my thoughts Mak, your hope and love will always live inside me. Your prayers are what made mummy’s troubles bearable and I know that it is the same strength that I will draw from as I continue on with my life.