Don't ask me why, but I just have to post Amy Wino's lyrics for Love is a Losing Game. It reflects my current attitude towards this crazy lil thing called lurve.
*tsk* tsk* I know, I know, many of us go through a lot more adversities than my present-sorry-not-so-hippy-optimist-butt, but still if I can't wallow in self pity on my own blog, then hey, where else can I go?
So, bite me!
Love is a Losing Game
For you I was a flame
Love is a losing game
Five story fire as you came
Love is losing game
One I wish I never played,
Oh, what a mess we made
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game
Played out by the band
Love is a losing hand
More than I could stand
Love is a losing hand
Self professed profound
Til' the chips were down
Know you’re a gambling man
Love is a losing hand
Tho' I battled blind
Love is a fate resigned
Memories mar my mind
Love it is a fate resigned
Over futile odds
And laughed at by the Gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game
Showing posts with label arbitrary ramblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label arbitrary ramblings. Show all posts
Friday, 28 March 2008
...and I'm BACK!!
dear all,
am back from a long, long, long silence...missed the world of blogging immensely...
will write longer soon!
*woohoo*
am back from a long, long, long silence...missed the world of blogging immensely...
will write longer soon!
*woohoo*
Tuesday, 23 October 2007
Celebrating Eid, love and life…
Raya was a quiet affair for me di perantauan this year, I woke up staring at the ceiling then gazing out my window for the longest time. I was greeted by utter silence, no familiar sound, sight or smell that Friday morning. I wiggled my toes and realised how weird it was, not waking up to the usual banter of my sisters, the oh so yummy smell of Mummy's cooking wafting through the air, the smile on my brothers face and the bemused look on Daddy's face whilst watching all the usual pagi raya on goings in his own little shop of horrors, so to speak.
I scurried downstairs after a quick shower and sat in front of the tv before going to work, munching away on the raya jam tart Mummy had sent me from home. I don't know whether it was the tart or the silence that made me realise the gratitude I felt for this bit of quiet time to myself, however selfish that may seem.
That Eid morning allowed me to respice, adspice, prospice and after some silent deliberation, I have to admit that I am content at this juncture of my life, maybe I drag my feet and bearly trudge along at times but I'm standing here facing and loving life as it is. These past few years have been particularly hard as I have fallen over numerous times but fortunately, I have learnt to adjust my clumsy dance moves to the many tunes of life. It is not all in vain though as I have a new found determination and continue smiling at life as the chubby hippy-optmist that I am.
My thoughts brought me back to my younger years and I sighed as I remembered how easy life was. Waking up on pagi raya and showing off my new clothes to cousins di kampung, as kids usually do. Shaking hands and asking for forgiveness, at most times for selfish reasons as this ritual would merit a child receiving money packets from older relatives. It meant I could buy something that my heart desired but could not afford, but as I look back I realise how selfish I had become during those years. Eid was supposed to be in celebration of a month of fasting, a month of remembering those less fortunate, to remember what God had and continues to give us and there I was looking forward to an Eid that would bring me moolah!
Many Eid celebrations have passed and I have to say many experiences have been accumulated to make up my life. I do realise that the meaning of Eid has changed for me as I have grown older. I tend to reflect on life during Eid and sum up what I have become, what I have and have not achieved, reevaluate the things I cherish and formulate my resolutions for the next year. It has become a time for me to summarise my life, myself as a person and what I aspire to be.
I was jerked out of my thoughts at the sound of a car honking away. I realised that it was my ride to work. In the car, my thoughts pause on that first moment I arrived here in cold dreary England, I was heartbroken, my spirit was broken, I saw no future and worst of all, I did not see the present. I had lost my way, lost my thoughts, lost my will, lost myself and the thing I regret most, is that I nearly lost those closest to my heart.
I was truly selfish. I did not look around and count my blessings. I did not look at the people I must have hurt. I did not consider how much pain I caused them due to my selfishness. I never looked beyond my own wants and needs. I detest that phase in my life, not because I regret it, but because it shows my flaw in character and also how unappreciative I was of the love that was given to me by my dear ones, despite my shortcomings and my pure selfishness.
The journey to work seemed longer to me that morning as I peered outside at the falling leaves. My colleague was nice enough to have left me to my own thoughts or maybe it was because I had my eyebrows furrowed and was not my usual chirpy loud self. An image of my late grandmamma, or mak as I fondly called her, came to mind. It was the Eid before she left us, we were in her room, and it was one of those rare moments in which it was only the both of us. Young cousins were running amok outside, all the ladies were in the kitchen, literally cooking up a storm and the men were having their usual round of afternoon coffee. We were on her bed and I was playfully counting her gold bracelets on her left wrist. She asked me her usual ‘When are you going to get married’ question and at that time, despite my being in a serious relationship, I told her that I was still not sure but that she must definitely attend to see her favourite granddaughter being married off to, in my words, one very lucky fella.
I remember her answer clearly, she told me that she would always pray that I would meet someone who is worthy of my love, that I would find happiness and that I would live with hope and belief that would never diminish. She told me hope and belief go hand in hand like a kiss and a hug, that you always have to hope for the best and in turn believe with your whole heart that what you hope for will come true. She also said with a solemn smile, that I should always listen to my heart, cos more often than not, it speaks the truth. She finished off by saying that in order to keep a sensible head I should always always count my blessings, to never compare what little I may seem to have to others who may seem to have much more.
Her words reverberate constantly in my mind and I can still remember how I cried when she finished that final sentence. I remember her hair sprawled all over the pillow, her smile that proudly showed a missing tooth or two and the hint of a tear in her eyes when she said it. It was with such tenderness and love for a person who was not exactly the best of granddaughters.
As I summarised my life of 28 years, that colourful yet very chilly Eid morning, I realised the weight of truth in her words. My serious relationship ended the following year, but I found out that love is not only restricted to the foolish notion of the love for your other half. It also comprises the love that you have for your family, the love you have for your friends and the love that you should also have for yourself. One should love void of any expectation, to fully love without hesitation and to continue to love without outside trepidation.
At this moment in time, I am in love with life. I am in love with my family and I am in love with my friends. This love I feel, enables me to sigh contentedly and has also given me stability and hope. Hope is what made me change my ways, it was hope for love, hope for a better future and hope for happiness that helped me and carried me through the many difficult moments of my life. With the hope that I had, my belief carried my wishes through, so that they didn’t just remain as mere hope but became a reality.
Mak, thank you, it was your words that played a big role in giving me that final extra nudge to come here to chilly London.
Many people told me not to leave sunny Malaysia. Many told me that my decision was rash and unwise. Many told me that I should not listen to my heart. Save for the select few, you know who you are, thank you.
I realise now that this is the best decision of my life. I am glad that I followed this quirky little heart and I am glad that I had held close the hope and belief that things would change for the better.
I remember hitting the play button for a raya song when I sat down at my computer, and I remember that I started humming to myself while I listed the things I am grateful for.
I am blessed with love from a family who has never neglected me, love from friends that have never judged me, a job and experience that did not come easily and the renewed and constant hope and belief that a new and better future lies ahead of me.
Yes mak, I will always count my blessings, not look the other way and moan about what that I do not have.
This Eid has made me conclude that I am not the best of human beings, but I know that my blessings are in abundance. I lost many battles and have the scars to prove them, but I know that these battles will only help me in the future. I am armed with love, hope and belief to help me through many more Eid celebrations to come, Insya Allah.
But till next Eid, it is time to keep my old memories and make new ones. I am content with my life, I am.
You are always in my thoughts Mak, your hope and love will always live inside me. Your prayers are what made mummy’s troubles bearable and I know that it is the same strength that I will draw from as I continue on with my life.
I scurried downstairs after a quick shower and sat in front of the tv before going to work, munching away on the raya jam tart Mummy had sent me from home. I don't know whether it was the tart or the silence that made me realise the gratitude I felt for this bit of quiet time to myself, however selfish that may seem.
That Eid morning allowed me to respice, adspice, prospice and after some silent deliberation, I have to admit that I am content at this juncture of my life, maybe I drag my feet and bearly trudge along at times but I'm standing here facing and loving life as it is. These past few years have been particularly hard as I have fallen over numerous times but fortunately, I have learnt to adjust my clumsy dance moves to the many tunes of life. It is not all in vain though as I have a new found determination and continue smiling at life as the chubby hippy-optmist that I am.
My thoughts brought me back to my younger years and I sighed as I remembered how easy life was. Waking up on pagi raya and showing off my new clothes to cousins di kampung, as kids usually do. Shaking hands and asking for forgiveness, at most times for selfish reasons as this ritual would merit a child receiving money packets from older relatives. It meant I could buy something that my heart desired but could not afford, but as I look back I realise how selfish I had become during those years. Eid was supposed to be in celebration of a month of fasting, a month of remembering those less fortunate, to remember what God had and continues to give us and there I was looking forward to an Eid that would bring me moolah!
Many Eid celebrations have passed and I have to say many experiences have been accumulated to make up my life. I do realise that the meaning of Eid has changed for me as I have grown older. I tend to reflect on life during Eid and sum up what I have become, what I have and have not achieved, reevaluate the things I cherish and formulate my resolutions for the next year. It has become a time for me to summarise my life, myself as a person and what I aspire to be.
I was jerked out of my thoughts at the sound of a car honking away. I realised that it was my ride to work. In the car, my thoughts pause on that first moment I arrived here in cold dreary England, I was heartbroken, my spirit was broken, I saw no future and worst of all, I did not see the present. I had lost my way, lost my thoughts, lost my will, lost myself and the thing I regret most, is that I nearly lost those closest to my heart.
I was truly selfish. I did not look around and count my blessings. I did not look at the people I must have hurt. I did not consider how much pain I caused them due to my selfishness. I never looked beyond my own wants and needs. I detest that phase in my life, not because I regret it, but because it shows my flaw in character and also how unappreciative I was of the love that was given to me by my dear ones, despite my shortcomings and my pure selfishness.
The journey to work seemed longer to me that morning as I peered outside at the falling leaves. My colleague was nice enough to have left me to my own thoughts or maybe it was because I had my eyebrows furrowed and was not my usual chirpy loud self. An image of my late grandmamma, or mak as I fondly called her, came to mind. It was the Eid before she left us, we were in her room, and it was one of those rare moments in which it was only the both of us. Young cousins were running amok outside, all the ladies were in the kitchen, literally cooking up a storm and the men were having their usual round of afternoon coffee. We were on her bed and I was playfully counting her gold bracelets on her left wrist. She asked me her usual ‘When are you going to get married’ question and at that time, despite my being in a serious relationship, I told her that I was still not sure but that she must definitely attend to see her favourite granddaughter being married off to, in my words, one very lucky fella.
I remember her answer clearly, she told me that she would always pray that I would meet someone who is worthy of my love, that I would find happiness and that I would live with hope and belief that would never diminish. She told me hope and belief go hand in hand like a kiss and a hug, that you always have to hope for the best and in turn believe with your whole heart that what you hope for will come true. She also said with a solemn smile, that I should always listen to my heart, cos more often than not, it speaks the truth. She finished off by saying that in order to keep a sensible head I should always always count my blessings, to never compare what little I may seem to have to others who may seem to have much more.
Her words reverberate constantly in my mind and I can still remember how I cried when she finished that final sentence. I remember her hair sprawled all over the pillow, her smile that proudly showed a missing tooth or two and the hint of a tear in her eyes when she said it. It was with such tenderness and love for a person who was not exactly the best of granddaughters.
As I summarised my life of 28 years, that colourful yet very chilly Eid morning, I realised the weight of truth in her words. My serious relationship ended the following year, but I found out that love is not only restricted to the foolish notion of the love for your other half. It also comprises the love that you have for your family, the love you have for your friends and the love that you should also have for yourself. One should love void of any expectation, to fully love without hesitation and to continue to love without outside trepidation.
At this moment in time, I am in love with life. I am in love with my family and I am in love with my friends. This love I feel, enables me to sigh contentedly and has also given me stability and hope. Hope is what made me change my ways, it was hope for love, hope for a better future and hope for happiness that helped me and carried me through the many difficult moments of my life. With the hope that I had, my belief carried my wishes through, so that they didn’t just remain as mere hope but became a reality.
Mak, thank you, it was your words that played a big role in giving me that final extra nudge to come here to chilly London.
Many people told me not to leave sunny Malaysia. Many told me that my decision was rash and unwise. Many told me that I should not listen to my heart. Save for the select few, you know who you are, thank you.
I realise now that this is the best decision of my life. I am glad that I followed this quirky little heart and I am glad that I had held close the hope and belief that things would change for the better.
I remember hitting the play button for a raya song when I sat down at my computer, and I remember that I started humming to myself while I listed the things I am grateful for.
I am blessed with love from a family who has never neglected me, love from friends that have never judged me, a job and experience that did not come easily and the renewed and constant hope and belief that a new and better future lies ahead of me.
Yes mak, I will always count my blessings, not look the other way and moan about what that I do not have.
This Eid has made me conclude that I am not the best of human beings, but I know that my blessings are in abundance. I lost many battles and have the scars to prove them, but I know that these battles will only help me in the future. I am armed with love, hope and belief to help me through many more Eid celebrations to come, Insya Allah.
But till next Eid, it is time to keep my old memories and make new ones. I am content with my life, I am.
You are always in my thoughts Mak, your hope and love will always live inside me. Your prayers are what made mummy’s troubles bearable and I know that it is the same strength that I will draw from as I continue on with my life.
Wednesday, 12 September 2007
home is where the heart is...
I have never been away from home during the month of Ramadhan, so this will be the very first time that I will be fasting di perantauan orang, in which I predict will be quite a trying experience for me. I will definitely miss my wonderful family, my dear friends as well as the glorious food. There is definitely no other place in the whole wide world that I'd rather be right now, than back home with my Mummy, Daddy, beautiful sisters and darling brother...or with my friends at the mamak nearby to eat some roti pisang with teh tarik for sahur. Home is defintely where the heart is for me right now...
'Happy Berposa' everyone and Salam Ramadhan Mubarak from this Malaysian Minx in London.
**image taken from http://stuckincustoms.com/index.php
Wednesday, 22 August 2007
Alter ipse amicus - a friend is another self
I sit slumped in my room and take a long look at my black and silver pumps and try to figure out just what outfit I should wear them with, god how I wish my cluster of close munchkins were here with me. It’s pretty lonely at times here in rainy London. I mean I have made as well as rekindled friendships here, but at times, especially when my London friends have their own things to do and priorities to attend to, I miss my shoe shopping family and friends a whole lot more than I’m sometimes willing to admit.
I mean, there is nobody to call at a whims notice and go grab a teh tarik and roti pisang at the nearest mamak with. There is no one to bitch about ‘oh the meaning of life’ with, to go ooh aaahing at the latest shoe shop in town with. There is no one to truly turn to, no one who knows my deepest fears, strengths and aspirations, who doesn’t mind hearing the same moans and groans yet whips up the same enthusiasm when I babble on about happy news I might have told one million and one times before. To parade around in new shoes as well as clothes that were just bought ten minutes before. No one to watch Sex and the City reruns with…No one who gives me the same sense of peace I get just by being in their presence.
I miss my family and friends more than anything in the world and would like to dedicate this long overdue personal shout out to those I do not show enough appreciation to.
Thank you from the bottom of my quirky lil heart to those who have incessantly held my hand through my tumultuous journey I call my life. Thank you for your strength, for your wise words, for your support and comfort, for the ear and shoulder that I may to an extent abused time after time, for your faith, for your generous altruistic selves, for being there for me - be it rain or shine, for never giving up on me and for making me believe that I shouldn’t give up on myself, for everything that you have given me, your time and patience, for just being there for me. Thank you for allowing me in your life and for giving me that opportunity to be who I am with you, thank you for bringing out the best and worst in me, yet giving me the same space and non judgemental nudge I need through the ups and downs of my life.
There are a lot of choices that I have made that are completely ludicrous, yet thanks to all of you, there aren’t any that I truly regret! I am what I am because of what I have gone through and because of the choices (be they bad or good) that I have made. With you guys by my side I know its inevitable that I make a million and one more either fantabulously great or undeniably excruciating wrong choices, but at least I know that I’ll have hands that are ever willing to accept me. Thank you all, thank you.
I love you guys more than anything in the world and hope you love me too!
I mean, there is nobody to call at a whims notice and go grab a teh tarik and roti pisang at the nearest mamak with. There is no one to bitch about ‘oh the meaning of life’ with, to go ooh aaahing at the latest shoe shop in town with. There is no one to truly turn to, no one who knows my deepest fears, strengths and aspirations, who doesn’t mind hearing the same moans and groans yet whips up the same enthusiasm when I babble on about happy news I might have told one million and one times before. To parade around in new shoes as well as clothes that were just bought ten minutes before. No one to watch Sex and the City reruns with…No one who gives me the same sense of peace I get just by being in their presence.
I miss my family and friends more than anything in the world and would like to dedicate this long overdue personal shout out to those I do not show enough appreciation to.
Thank you from the bottom of my quirky lil heart to those who have incessantly held my hand through my tumultuous journey I call my life. Thank you for your strength, for your wise words, for your support and comfort, for the ear and shoulder that I may to an extent abused time after time, for your faith, for your generous altruistic selves, for being there for me - be it rain or shine, for never giving up on me and for making me believe that I shouldn’t give up on myself, for everything that you have given me, your time and patience, for just being there for me. Thank you for allowing me in your life and for giving me that opportunity to be who I am with you, thank you for bringing out the best and worst in me, yet giving me the same space and non judgemental nudge I need through the ups and downs of my life.
There are a lot of choices that I have made that are completely ludicrous, yet thanks to all of you, there aren’t any that I truly regret! I am what I am because of what I have gone through and because of the choices (be they bad or good) that I have made. With you guys by my side I know its inevitable that I make a million and one more either fantabulously great or undeniably excruciating wrong choices, but at least I know that I’ll have hands that are ever willing to accept me. Thank you all, thank you.
I love you guys more than anything in the world and hope you love me too!
Tuesday, 7 August 2007
Ab hinc - from here on...
It has been exactly three months and 15 days since I first arrived here in sunny England. The weather has been as temperamental as moi during my loopy emotional sessions a.k.a the much dreaded ‘time of the month’ hormonal circus better known as PMS. Can’t complain much though, we just had a very sunny weekend and I had a load of fun being trigger happy in front of the National Art Gallery at Trafalgar Square, with half a million other strangers. It was SO friggin HOT, plus the fact that I had to trek an additional two miles just because someone gave me the wrong directions! I went full circle to find out that it was just two metres away from where I initially took off. But on the other hand, I’ve found someone who is more clueless with directions than me, and I never thought that was possible!
Ashamedly, its taken me this long to actually do the whole tourist thing and take pictures of places I’ve been to and places I’m planning to visit, only because I’ve had to do a lot of other things and have had to keep myself sane. I’ve had to deal with moving into a completely different country, work environment, place to stay, new hangouts, new routines, all this minus my most precious assets – my family and friends. It has been hell at times, but eventful at most, and geez, if I live through this, I can most definitely live through most anything.
I have to admit, I am proud of myself. I have been able to buy myself a laptop, a car, a handphone, a digital camera and erm…a couple of pairs of shoes. Hah! All in three months, and without involving any plastic, except for my debit card, which basically deducts straight from my current account, so I don’t owe anyone, woohoo! Next on my list is an exercise machine and French classes. I’ve also learnt (and am continuing to learn) how to make banana cake, scones, fruit cake, pavlova and novelty cakes. Plus, I have to say that my cooking has gone up a notch as I’ve been slaving in front of the kitchen a lot lately. My poor uncle is my guinea pig. Poor man! Sometimes I drag his kids in as well. They’re all just too polite to admit if it tastes nasty. Well, they’re all alive and kicking, so it can’t be that bad…I guess.
All in all, it has been a great three months and I am quite determined that it continues to be as fantabulous come the next two years. It took me a great leap of faith and a truckful of guts, support from family and friends and belief in myself to make my way here. Thing is, I’m glad I made my dreams of travelling a reality, I know I’ll pause to recollect my thoughts every now and then, cast a weary backwards glance at times and continue to step cautiously towards the future, but I’m gonna enjoy every small thing that life has to give me and charge on with my renewed found passion, cos hey, breiviore saltare cum deformibus viris est vita!
Ashamedly, its taken me this long to actually do the whole tourist thing and take pictures of places I’ve been to and places I’m planning to visit, only because I’ve had to do a lot of other things and have had to keep myself sane. I’ve had to deal with moving into a completely different country, work environment, place to stay, new hangouts, new routines, all this minus my most precious assets – my family and friends. It has been hell at times, but eventful at most, and geez, if I live through this, I can most definitely live through most anything.
I have to admit, I am proud of myself. I have been able to buy myself a laptop, a car, a handphone, a digital camera and erm…a couple of pairs of shoes. Hah! All in three months, and without involving any plastic, except for my debit card, which basically deducts straight from my current account, so I don’t owe anyone, woohoo! Next on my list is an exercise machine and French classes. I’ve also learnt (and am continuing to learn) how to make banana cake, scones, fruit cake, pavlova and novelty cakes. Plus, I have to say that my cooking has gone up a notch as I’ve been slaving in front of the kitchen a lot lately. My poor uncle is my guinea pig. Poor man! Sometimes I drag his kids in as well. They’re all just too polite to admit if it tastes nasty. Well, they’re all alive and kicking, so it can’t be that bad…I guess.
All in all, it has been a great three months and I am quite determined that it continues to be as fantabulous come the next two years. It took me a great leap of faith and a truckful of guts, support from family and friends and belief in myself to make my way here. Thing is, I’m glad I made my dreams of travelling a reality, I know I’ll pause to recollect my thoughts every now and then, cast a weary backwards glance at times and continue to step cautiously towards the future, but I’m gonna enjoy every small thing that life has to give me and charge on with my renewed found passion, cos hey, breiviore saltare cum deformibus viris est vita!
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